I Didn't Mean To
by turbo denali
Summary: Mako knew taking a life wasn't supposed to be easy, but that's not what bothered him most about his face-off against Ming-Hua.


**DISCLAIMER: ****_Legend of Korra_**** belongs to Dickel… uh, i mean Nickelodeon.**

**SPOILER ALERT: This fic takes place after the Book 3 finale and will contain spoilers.**

**A/N: It's always kinda bugged me that this part of Mako's storyline was glossed over. I know they were really limited in how much screen time they could give everyone, but it still makes me a little grumpy. Oh well. **

**/**

Every sense was heightened. It was so dark he could barely see, but he could still make out the silhouette of water whips and inky black hair. Rough rock scraped at his hands. His body moved of its own accord as he scrabbled for handholds and footholds. His feet left the water and a familiar tingle raced through him. There was a blinding flash of lightning. His nostrils filled with the sickening scent of burning flesh. And then screaming.

Spirits, the _screaming_.

Mako's eyes flew open. It felt like a boulder was pressing down on his chest and his fingertips tingled. He took a moment remember where he was and why he was awake. All-too-vivid memories flashed through his mind and he sat up with a groan. The image of a still, armless body made him shiver. He'd seen more than his fair share of bodies growing up on the streets of Republic City, but this one was different. This was the body of someone he'd killed.

/

"How about you do you own damn paperwork?!" Mako snapped, ignoring the curious looks the other officers sent his way.

Amusement danced in Gang's face as Mako sent a thick folder flying at Lu. The round man reflexively reached out to catch it, dropping his jam-filled pastry in the process. He scowled at Mako as the pastry left a trail of red jam and powdered sugar down his front. Lu somehow managed to stop the pastry from rolling off his stomach and onto the floor, but only after earning a red smear across the top of the folder. Gang tugged at his beard and chuckled. Mako shot to his feet, the force of his movement knocking his chair backwards. The clattering noise echoed in the now-silent office and he flinched inwardly at his sudden loss of self-control.

"Calm down, super cop. You'll never be promoted to detective if you keep having these outbursts," Gang scolded in a teasing, sing-song voice.

Mako turned and bent over to pick up his chair. "Yeah, because you two set the bar _so_ high," he grumbled. As he righted his chair, a stern voice brought him back to his senses.

"What's the meaning of this?"

Mako stiffened and whipped around. Lu held the case file in front of him in a vain attempt to hide the stain on his shirt and Gang scratched the back of his head. "Hey, Chief," said Gang. "We were just giving Officer Mako here some friendly advice."

"Yeah. You know, like mentoring," added Lu.

Lin raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Don't you have something more important to do? Stop wasting time with these little games of yours."

Lu and Gang nodded in unison. "Roger that, Chief," Gang said as the two backed away and made a beeline for the exit.

"Not you, Mako," said Lin. The firebender froze and slowly faced her with a look of resignation. She regarded him critically and frowned. "I need a word with you. Now."

The metalbender turned on her heel and strode toward her office without so much as a look back over her shoulder. Mako frowned and reluctantly followed. He stepped into her office and stood awkwardly in the door way. Lin leaned against the edge of her desk and pointed at a nearby wooden chair.

"Sit," she ordered.

Mako closed the door and tried not to look as embarrassed as he felt. Finally out of view of the other officers, he let his shoulders sag. Wood and leather groaned as he sat down in the ancient chair and he wondered if Lin ever thought about getting more comfortable office furniture. Probably not, he decided. His eyes traced the outline of his boots and the uncomfortable silence between the two benders dragged on. He heard a huff and the creak of armor as Lin shifted slightly.

"You want to tell me what's going on?" she asked. Her voice was quiet and calm, but laced with that no-nonsense tone that made even civilians snap to attention. After another moment of silence, she sighed and relaxed slightly. "Look, I know you're still worried about Korra. We all are," she said sympathetically. "But you told me you were ready to get back to work. Can I trust you to hold yourself together, or do you need more time off?"

"No, that's not the problem," said Mako. "I mean yes, I'm worried about Korra, but I know she's gonna be okay."

"Then what is it, kid?"

Mako lifted his head and met her gaze. The fondness in her face made him realize the conversation had switched gears. This wasn't Chief Bei Fong reprimanding Officer Mako. This was a personal talk between a mentor and her protege, and he found himself feeling more comfortable than he would have expected. He tapped the carved arm of his seat and looked away, trying to muster the words he needed. "Ming-Hua," he muttered.

"The waterbender?"

Mako nodded. "I killed her." It wasn't new information. He'd reported everything that happened in the cave when he returned to the city and made an official statement. But there was something about saying it out loud in the context of a personal conversation that felt heavy and worrisome.

Lin cocked her head to the side. "You know, taking a life is never easy. It sometimes happens in the line of duty and I've seen officers let it eat away at them. They force themselves to carry the blame, no matter how justified their actions might have been," she said. "You can't let that happen to you, kid."

Mako scooted to the edge of the seat and leaned forward, placing his forearms on his knees. "I'm trying not to, but…"

"She wouldn't have hesitated to kill you and you know that. You were acting in self-defense," said Lin.

"Yeah, I suppose. But I did it without thinking. I didn't plan on using lightning. I didn't mean to kill her. I just… did it." He rubbed the back of his neck, remembering how he was constantly praised for being 'cool under fire' in the probending arena. He was normally so calm when performing under pressure - always relying on the desire to win in order to override that thrill and constant on-the-edge feel of an adrenaline rush. It served him well in the arena, but maybe it was a liability out in the real world. "I didn't even really think about what I'd done until we were on the airship," he admitted.

"So you didn't feel totally in control of yourself at the time?" asked Lin.

"Yeah."

"That's a lot more common than you think." Lin's gaze lingered on some non-existent point behind Mako and the shadow of some hidden memory flickered across her face, vanishing as quickly as it had appeared. "You acted on instinct. People often do when their survival is on the line. Fight or flight." She shrugged. "Your instinct is to fight."

Mako sat back in his seat. "What if I _hadn't_ acted on instinct? What if I had done things differently? What if I thought of a way to bring down Ming-Hua without killing her?"

The metalbender crossed her arms and shook her head. "What if she won? What if it was your body left in that cave?" She lifted her chin. "The fact is you killed her. You're going to have to come to terms with that and learn forgive yourself."

Mako considered that for a moment. "Right."

Lin sighed and pointed to the door with her chin. "Go home, Mako. Take the rest of the day off and get some sleep. You look terrible."

"Aye aye, Chief." Mako pushed himself to his feet and reached for the doorknob.

"Mako?"

He hesitated and glanced back. A laugh threatened to escape him. The uncomfortable grimace on her face reminded him that she was worse about this whole talking-about-feelings thing than he was. "Yeah, Chief?"

"Remember, you can't change what happened. Don't let remorse and 'what-ifs' tear you apart."

Mako nodded grimly and turned to leave before she could see the hardness in his eyes. His fingers tingled and he remembered how it felt when the lightning coursed through him. He remembered the way the waterbender's eyes flew open and how she screamed as her body tensed and burned. He could even remember the sound of her body splashing into the water as she went limp and fell. He'd told his mentor he didn't mean to kill Ming-Hua, and that much was true. What he didn't tell her was that if he _could_ go back and do it all over again, he wouldn't change a damn thing.

**/**

**A/N: DetectiveMom and DetectiveSon!**


End file.
